… doesn’t mean having to have everything.
Accepting imperfection might not be easy, but it’s necessary.
My time on EVE, and importantly for this blog, my time spent thinking about EVE, has recently been consumed by the Minmatar/Amarr faction war. Lots of those thoughts are strategic, and as such I’ve been at a loss as to what I could write here without giving away plans to the Amarrians.
It takes a bit more effort but I guess I have to look at what I’ve been doing in EVE from a different angle to produce something I feel like writing about, something related to what I’m doing, yet not directly related to all the details our slave-keeping blog readers might find interesting for the guys on the other side of the warzone. And this, I guess, is the result. Enjoy.
I like keeping people happy. In a fleet, I want to ensure everyone’s participating and involved, for example. I give 100% to every fleet, and I feel like my pilots know this even though I may suck even with all my abilities, and that’s why they’re happy to continue flying under my command. I give 100% because I find that the fruits of my efforts and the enjoyment of other pilots is worth it. It’s one of the things that keeps me going, I guess.
It’s impossible of course, to keep everyone happy. Sometimes I wish the enemies we gank could just be happy we ganked them too, but that’s pretty ridiculous to hope for.
Should I feel unaccomplished if I did not achieve an outcome everyone is happy with?
The answer should be no. No matter what you’re doing whether it be in a fake universe or the real one, there will be decisions to make that won’t please everyone. If we take further, you could say whenever you help someone, you’re giving up the chance to help someone else. We’re not omnipotent. Thinking about it another way, if we kill a single person to save thousands, we still had to kill a person.
It’s thoughts like this that make me question the distinction between good and evil. Right and wrong. Sometimes the sea of grey is overpowering, and I wonder whether I’ve actually been the ‘bad guy’ in someone’s memory. I surely have.
I think, when you look back and realise all the decisions you’ve made has molded into a grey void where at the time they all seemed like the ‘right’ decision to you, that’s when you regret things.
Regret is interesting because it has as much potential to improve you as it does to destroy you. Let it eat away at you, or build upon your mistakes.
But I ain’t here to talk about how to manage your regrets. Today I wonder whether it’s possible not to regret your past at all.
And well, I think it comes down to what you have to look forward to.
If there is a beacon of hope you’re struggling towards, a dream or hope, a friend or rival, a goal, an aspiration, then when you look back you only see yourself travelling along the path to your destination. How could you regret that? Even if you stumbled along the way, even if you hurt others, can you truly be regretful of doing everything you can to reach your dream?
I compare my two worlds, one real life, one in EVE. In one, I study too little, I get average marks, I regret it later. In the other, I lead fleets, and I get some killed, but it doesn’t matter to me because it’s all part of a struggle to reach victory. I don’t regret, I beat myself up and learn from it for next time. This conviction and endurance I barely possess in my studies, and I feel it’s because there is no real goal I’m striving for. I don’t have anything clear in sight for the future. Facepalm. I guess that’s something I’ll have to rectify.
The tl;dr of the situation is, if you have your eyes fixated upon the future, you’ll never regret the past. And that is how I will sustain myself through the next couple of weeks, because there is going to be a lot of fighting and spaceships blowing up, and I’m going to make lots of mistakes, but I will not dwell on them longer than I need to learn from them, and I will not bow to the weight of those failures, but rather use them to propel me further onwards to the goal.