Ahh… solo PvP. How I’ve missed you. Just a snapshot of my losses recently; it seems I’ve been getting a bit rusty with my PvP skills in addition to my blog post titling.
I’ve dipped under 100m ISK for the first time since I started incursions (the incursion FC career I had to discard when I rejoined FW), and I’ve never felt more liberated. Let me tell you something that EVE has taught me about the human condition. Essentially, it’s good to have wants. I dream of an EVE where my wallet shows an ‘infinite’ symbol and I can buy all the Vexors in the world, but the point is, I dream of it. In my short lifetime, I’ve come to realise these ‘dreams’ are a necessity for a healthy mind. Yearnings, I suppose you can call them. Desires. Not so much as to consume your whole mind, but enough so that you realise there’s always something you’d like that you need to work towards. I never thought I was a goal-setter, but retrospectively, I suppose this is some form of setting goals for oneself.
I’m tempted to burn the rest of the ISK right now. Tempted to take my remaining 70m, spend it on a cool ship, and go fly out into the horizon and die gloriously. I probably will do so tomorrow. I don’t want a buffer of liquid ISK, living on the edge of space-bankruptcy was how I constantly sought to do more with less and sent my mind into theory-crafting overdrive.
It’s interesting, how I’ve slowly progressed from being the one to ask questions to the one who has been answering them. I only noticed recently that, one year in, I’m standing at the top of the learning cliff. This isn’t all good, though. Knowing what a fight will probably turn out like means I don’t take fights I used to take, knowledge brings fear and ignorance is once again proven to be bliss.
I need to let go. Let go of the worldly ties with material substances like ISK. It doesn’t matter insofar as it makes the adrenaline pump so hard that my hands shake because if I lose, I lose the ISK I worked hard for as well as the time spent fitting and buying, but if I win I keep all that, and the opponent(s) is the one who must return home in a pod. Apart from that, I shouldn’t let the fact that I’m running low on ISK stop me from taking a fight, because its probably those fights that I can learn from the most.
The return to solo PvP too, has revealed to me that I’ve forgotten a lot. I got used to the numbers being in our favour, and I’ve lost the ability to concentrate with enough intensity on all the factors that influence a fight. I’ll need to work on that.
Anyway, I’m trying to get my head around the basics once again, and strip myself back down to the core and work myself back up. This break has given me an opportunity to breathe, now it’s time to head back into the deep end.
And the backlog of university homework just builds up…