THE INFERNO amongst the flames

I like myself some anime now and then and I recently started watching Fate/Zero, and so far it has been awesome. Don’t want to spoil it for others who may be interested but it made me notice something about my ambitions.

You see, in real life, I want to be someone great. Hell, who doesn’t, right? In EVE Online, I am currently on that path right now, I think.

And there it is, in bold. The doubt. Something I can never get rid of entirely because it has been ingrained in my early education. Never speak in absolutes. The funny thing that I realise now is that that statement itself is an absolute. Change it to “Try not to speak in absolutes” and it isn’t paradoxical and hypocritical but… weak.

The thing is, you do have to make calls sometimes, and you’ve gotta back that shit up. That’s what I’ve been lacking as a leader. Indecisiveness, hesitance, delays, all translate to weakness. What kind of leader rules by being mediocre all the time? What kind of king is admired because he makes weak decisions in an attempt to please as many people as possible and not raise any discontent?

None. All the names of the leaders we remember in history are always contentious. Hate them or love them is what the general populace is divided upon. The middle ground is occupied by historians who attempt to reason, me one of them, but perhaps we were wrong. Perhaps we were meant to hate or love them.

Why do subjects follow a leader? Because they represent the extremes of what is possible. They possess qualities that some would deem mad, others impossible, and many would say admirable. Strength, cunning, wisdom, foresight, for example. A leader must possess all of them in great quantities and qualities. But also lust, greed, hatred. A leader should be the swirling emotions of ten humans at once, a beacon in the darkness and the burning sun during the day.

I’m not someone like that. My dream of being a solo PvPer is limited by my doubts. My ambitions are held in check by my reason. I put shackles on my feet, my friends, and I wonder why I cannot take wing.

Today I went out to roam with an Enyo and a Breacher. Both ended in deaths. I fought intensely, I struggled, but neither fight worked my way, I’m ashamed to say. The Enyo fight in particular… a 1v1 against a Comet. He had railguns and a neut, and it was that single neut that had undone me, leaving me with no capacitor left to burn the remaining charges of my ancillary repairer.

Embarassing. The Comet pilot earned his ship glory that day but I had fallen and my pride… well, that was in shambles.

I am too afraid of others. Too afraid of being reprimanded for my killboard. Laughed at for my deaths. Mocked for being a new character.

Why should the opinions of others about how I perform even affect me? I don’t really know, but they do. Too much. I am too self-conscious. When one of my fleet members once complained about my microphone I got a new one fairly quickly. He was worried he had offended me, for me to go to such quick measures. Not exactly; I’m just not one to let someone else be inconvenienced by issues that I can control.

I need to… care less. Note, that doesn’t mean be careless. Just do what I do best, and go with the moment. Why are losses deterring me now? Why is dying putting me off now, when previously when I had 10x less skillpoints and a fraction of my current wallet, I would PvP constantly without fear of danger?

I tell myself it is because I have put myself in a leadership position and I have responsibilities to perform well. If my fleet members see an FC getting shot down over and over, why would they want him to lead?

I won’t answer that question, I think. I will continue to do what I feel is right; continue to roam solo when I feel that urge, as well as lead fleets. I won’t let myself be swayed from my occasional solo roams for fear of tainting the killboards. I won’t let myself feel disappointed after a death.

And if my fleet members do not believe I am fit to lead, then so be it. But it won’t be because I bowed my head to that fate.

Burning the candle from both ends? Perhaps. But if I’m going to be a leader then it’s time to stop whimpering and start roaring.

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I'm just a poor boy, but I'd like some commentary~

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