Self-doubt and discord: A recipe for uncertainty

Uncertain is how I feel right now.

Today I logged onto EVE, sent out a mail for the plan of action for an upcoming wardec, calmed down a uncertain CEO of a corporation in an alliance about the plan, engaged in conversations on standings with directors of local corporations, and finally logged into DUST on my PS3 to more or less head a corporation meeting and discuss the general direction the corporation should take.

Fun yes, I certainly felt a sense of power as I did these things, but right now everything is sort of hollow.

Details are classified of course, but I feel worried and uncertain rather than relieved after the last meeting ended and downtime arrived. Who am I to lead? The meeting, led by me on voice chat, was iffy at best. The agenda was all over the place. Points discussed were not focused. For the first meeting I’ve organised, it is safe to say it was disastrous. We came to a conclusion but only after many stumbles and backtracks on my part, and I could’ve sworn I said things one too many times. It was obvious the guys expected me to have more to say and when I blurted out an “Alright guys, everything seems good I’m going to go have dinner now”, the collective silence didn’t sound like they were telling me to go stuff my face.

Luckily someone logged on then, and I was relieved to have to repeat everything to him as I collected my thoughts.

More talking ensued, and the crux of the matter for the purposes of this blog is that there is a good chance that the EVE pilots in the corporation will soon be severed from the DUST side. I didn’t really want this to happen but I’m not confident enough to present another alternative plausibly. Every time I tried I muttered lots of “well then again…”s and “however”s, peppering my arguments with holes without any help.

But after careful consideration it became apparent that there really wasn’t any choice. I feel that, given the thin thread of connectivity between the two games anyway, that either side won’t feel much of an impact from the loss of the other. The real trouble I have with it is that we established this corporation to be strong and independent, and here I was undermining that by severing that thread, however thin it is. I hope the CEO forgives me.

Oh and that’s another thing. The CEO was not present at this general corporation meeting. In fact he’s been AWOL for a while now, and it’s worrying. More worrying than what we’ve decided is my worry about how the CEO reacts. Will he accept it, grudgingly? Will he absolutely deny it even though the DUST mercenaries are slowly trickling away from the corporation themselves, and the ones who stay are bored and inactive?

Something had to be done, is what I tell myself, but still I am unsure as to whether or not I should have. It definitely was not a well executed, seamless operation. This is much harder than FCing a small-gang PvP roam, and ridiculously tougher than solo PvP. The discomfort I feel, though, perhaps I can relate to the shakes I got in my hands when I first fought another player. Perhaps with time, I will overcome my poorly planned meetings and horrid leading skills, and eventually become better at this leadership stuff.

For now though, I will try tell myself that we made the right decisions.

2 thoughts on “Self-doubt and discord: A recipe for uncertainty”

  1. Interesting hearing about some of the background thoughts and concerns you have about stepping up to lead other players. I can understand the self doubt. Would pay to remember people are probably appreciating it.

I'm just a poor boy, but I'd like some commentary~

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